When wanderers cease to roam

Three years ago, when we bought this house, my mom gave me this exquisite book. But I couldn't bring myself to open it because I wasn't done wandering.

I felt like a cage door had shut on me. It was a gilded cage, but a cage nonetheless.

Actually, the house was more like just another lock clamped onto a cage I was already in.. Overall, I've spent roughly 8 yrs on and off scheming to escape my gilded cage. It's been miserable and futile. Because I created my own cage with my own thoughts.

Truly, I knew that my emotional response was not consistent with the reality of my life. Because of that, I worked hard at keeping my mental, emotional and physical strength up in the face of increasing depression. I took a Mindfulness Mediation class (highly recommend), I ran, prayed, saw a therapist, volunteered, slept, and stayed busy. I had made commitments to my family - and I'm not a quitter. So I kept on keeping on.

But I was living in the Slough of Despond and getting really worn down with the emotional effort. My body and mind weren't able to keep my emotions and heart going anymore.

As a result of some reading I was doing, I decided to tackle what I put into my body: food and supplements. Hence the dietary overhaul and a arsenal of self-prescribed supplements (yes, my MD husband knows about this).

Which finds me, about 7 to 10 days into my detox, glumping along my daily routine, grimly fulfilling
 the consequences of my life choices: children, this huge old house, all the things that stole my energy
 and will to live so that I had nothing left with which to pursue what I really wanted.
 I thought jealously of a friend who loved being a mom and I thought, "Well, that's fine for her. She achieved her professional goals, then achieved her family. I haven't achieved any of my professional goals, and I'm too tired with the family to start now...wah, wah, wah."  (this was my near constant mental chatter)

Then, truly like a shock, I thought, "What if I let go of that? Of achieving the job that I am fixated on? What am I missing out on because all I can think of is what I don't have? Why don't I try pretending that I've already achieved all I wanted - that this Present is my goalpost."

Remember Eustace in Voyage of Dawn Treader? When he became a dragon because he was such a nasty person and then Aslan returned him to his better self by tearing off the dragon skin? That's what it felt like. Shocking. Searing. Painful  - in a good way.

Or like when it's been a miserable grey week. Blah. Then you wake early one morning and the storm has blown away, leaving the world sparkling new. So fresh you want to get up NOW just to feel the air, see the sunlight, breath in the invigorating energy. That was what this change of heart felt like to me.

Of course, it's not perfect. I'm not perfect, this world isn't perfect. The bunnies have been driving me nuts while I've been writing. My office is a mess. And I still mull over what I want to do about a profession. But it's not a fixation now. I've already Arrived and the rest is...well, it's not the priority it once was.

That cage that I created, I un-created.  It's obvious to me that clearing my body helped clear my mind. I'm incredibly grateful I took the plunge and motivated to find a way to keep making positive food choices.

PS There was a critical precursor to this seismic soul shift: This winter, driving home from the Boston airport in miserable traffic, I suddenly thought, "Why don't you forgive yourself for not becoming a midwife?" And I started to.
Forgiveness was the first step and opened the path to healing. Clearing my body so my heart and head could figure stuff out was the second.